When my best isn't good enough

What happens then? The dark thoughts and internal philosophical discussions fill my head. The ever-present questions and doubt linger only to morph into even more ridiculous accusations of self-loathing. Yes, I'm talking about the emotional roller coaster of bicycle racing. Why do I do it? Why is hurting good? When does fun become a chore? a mind screw? Can my best be good enough even if I get last? Has anyone else had to ride an extra 25 minutes after the race for some alone time or am I just too worked up about this?

Yes, I finished last today. I have been reading about a triathlete in Chicago who recently turned pro; her results have not been stellar this year by her own standards and she has even come in last despite her tremendous efforts at working to get better. After going through her own roller coaster, she finds some positive thing about the day. For her, the internal drive kicks in turning the loss into motivation for better results. Lacking that internal motivation, I compete for different reasons. But then, is it a contradiction to want better placing?

Today I think I gave it my best. The course was a muddy, peanut butter mess--AGAIN! Where I could go fast, I tried to pedal hard, smooth, and fast. Where it was peanut butter, I tried to stay upright. Like the last race, my confidence was shot every time my bike slid down a root almost sending me to the ground. In fact, I hit another tree in the first 1,000 feet as my rear wheel slid out from too much rear brake! I didn't go down this time, but it was a constant reminder of the perilous conditions.

One of the aggravating aspects of racing in mud is it doesn't feel like a race. It's more of how to stay upright than how to go fast. Plus the gunk and mud gave me chain suck about 27 times (seriously, it was probably that many or more) of which 2 caused me to get off and fix it by hand and another 2-4 times caused me to run up some hills. These are not excuses for my performance as the time lost didn't account for my poor result; rather, they are just inconveniences that I hate enough to note.

I finished strong. On my last of 3 laps I decided to take more chances--to push harder. I'm not sure the lap was faster, but my mind was in racing mode. I was remembering Jean Luc's tutorial on riding sloppy corners; keep the bike straight but lean the body, unweight the front tire when going over a root. IT WORKED! I actually did it successfully half a dozen times. In that alone, I felt almost victorious. I got in the groove occasionally--something I have missed since the opening miles of the first race before my crash. I need to feel that groove again. I'm ready to try. I'm ready to try harder. The next task is figuring out how to do that. It may not be in the next race, month, or even this season. But I have to give it a chance and push my "fun" boundary to see if I can extend it with more committment. It's about damn time.